I purposely didn't post about the latter half (from 28 weeks onwards) of my pregnancy until now for a few reasons. The main one being that I was feeling pretty bad mentally.
Those of you who have read my blog know that after the birth of my daughter two years ago I developed post natal depression, and that this has never really left me.
Falling pregnant for the 2nd time was a huge shock, and yes, it did take a while for me accept it was happening. My greatest fears were:
- That I would spiral into the depths of PND again.
- I wouldn't be able to deal with the guilt that I knew I would feel towards Maya by bringing a new baby into our family.
- The birth trauma - I wasn't quite believing that I was having an elective section! You can read about my first birthing story in the post below this one.
My midwife had caught me on a very bad day at around 26 weeks - I honestly think she thought I had lost my mind as I was crying non-stop and making no sense at all at my appointment, and she insisted on referring me immediately to the specialist pre & post pregnancy psychiatrist. She also sent me to see the consultant the following day so I could finally have a date for my elective section as she thought if I at least knew when that would be it may ease some of my anxieties.
I was NOT prepared for all the feelings that I would experience again at my appointment with psychiatrist. I was sobbing like a baby, blubbering on about how my mum had been treated in hospital before she died and how different smells when I was giving birth to Maya triggered some awful flashbacks for me. It really was a very traumatic time for me when I had Maya, and in the end I had emergency section. I also talked about my feelings surrounding Maya - I felt I hadn't had enough time with her on her own and that it was too soon to bring another baby into our little family. I felt so very guilty about that and the nearer it came to my due date the worse I was feeling.
I was seen by the psychiatrist a further three times before my c-section date, and I do think that it helped. I was really surprised at how calm an experience an elective section was. The team were fantastic with me in theatre, and I cannot thank the wonderful Consultant Anaesthetist enough as there were a few hairy moments as the baby was wedged onto my spine and there was a fair amount of tugging and pulling going on to try and get him out, and then my uterus wouldn't contract afterwards which was quite frightening ( I was starting to freak out quite a bit at this point). He talked me through exactly what was happening - leaving out the graphic details, which helped me feel more in control which was hugely important. Then eventually baby no.2 was born at 2:10pm on 23/4/12. The most joyous sound to us was his shocked crying. It was such a wonderful moment, just like when Maya was born.
Here is our wonderful son - Brodie, just out the wrapper:
And then there were two - our beautiful daughter Maya & our wonderful son Brodie:
To be continued - In Part 2......
The Ward/Breastfeeding/Coming Home & Baby Blues